Monday, April 27, 2015

1st Child / 2nd Child

I don't know if any of you have experienced the same thing but I thought I would put it out there. I have noticed not with just my own kids, but with my siblings as well that the 1st child needs a lot of attention. I am not saying that is a bad thing, because I actually love it. But I do feel bad at times. I feel bad, because I wanted kids so bad that when I got pregnant with my oldest I was super excited! I started a journal that day and kept track of a everything he did. I have kept a journal with all my kids, but towards the 4th child it got less and less, kind of like scrap booking. But I feel like because I wanted this child so so bad and I Feel like he brought his dad and I together that sometimes I favor said child a little too much. I know I do!! I have always said that #1 child has a special place in my heart, and he always will no matter what. And this said child has put me through HELL, but still no matter what he does I am able to talk to him and rationalize with him and not be mad at him the rest of the day/week.
Why is it not that way with my #2 son. I beat myself up a lot when thinking about this. It is a problem. #2 son we had some problems with when he was 10, but since then this child is pretty stinking perfect. He doesn't cause us heart burn, we don't have to worry about who he is with and what they are doing. We don't have to worry if he is graduating. But for some reason I just can't get along with #2 son like I do #1. It haunts me. So I try and it just isn't like it is with the #1 son. I think to myself is it because I know he can do better than he is? When I say that I mean at home with his chores. Do I expect more because I know he will and can do it. But why don't I let him get away with not doing it like I do the #1son? Why is it so different?
I don't want to play favorites! and I feel like I do. But feel that I do it and don't even recognize it. I do feel like things are changing and that is because #2 son is doing good things. Things that we had always hoped that #1 son would do. #2 son was ordained and Elder yesterday, and it was amazing!! we had so many people over at our house to join in because #2 son has so many people that adore him. Some from our old ward and some from our new. It was truly amazing. #2 son is awaiting a mission call, and has truly become a different person since he started this process, and so have I.
 But in all the times I look back and analyze my relationship with #2 son the only thing that I can think of is that we didn't bond when he was a baby.  We had just moved in with my family due to problems with the pregnancy.  I had to have a C-section which I wasn't planning for. Afterwards I believe now that I got the baby blues. I was very depressed to the point where I was put on Zoloft, which only made things worse. I slept in everyday till noon, and my grandma and grandpa would get my boys up and feed , bath, and play with them till I got up. I didn't want much to do with them until finally with the hubby's help I took myself off the Zoloft and soon was back to my old self. But I missed out on those first few months. The thing that made us take me off the Zoloft was when I couldn't settle my own son down and he put his arms out for my mom instead of me. I hadn't bonded with him at all, and I believe that that is where my relationship started off on the wrong foot with #2 son.
But today I am over whelmed with love and happiness for #2 son. He is an amazing young man, and I am so proud of his decisions and the road that he is on. He has been such a great example to our family. I absolutely believe that who ever he meets on his mission will fall in love with him. He is amazing. I am so lucky that God blessed us with him.

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