I just don't understand

This morning Josh e-mailed me and asked me to call him. He said that his cousin James had killed himself last night. We just went through this a month ago with my niece and her fiance and their son. They were killed in a bad accident. It will be a month tomorrow. I still think about her. I know it is kind of morbid, but I can't help but think what was going through their heads, and what they were saying to each other. They had to of known that they weren't going to survive. I can't imagine the thoughts.
As a mother I can't imagine loosing one of my kids. I have always said that would push me over my limits.
Josh and I loved James. In fact Josh, James, and Robert James's brother were the closest out of the cousins. We had talked to James at the Christmas party. He said that after his divorce the first month was like a party, but after that he was lonely. Never once did I think anything.
I know because of our religion we will see him again, but it just doesn't make it better down here. Not having our grandpas here isn't fun. My grandpa was my boy's best friend. I so wish he was here helping me and giving me advice. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him and he has been gone 9 years. Our other grandpa has been gone I believe 3 years. My grandpas were my best friends. I tend to lean towards the men in my life. I just feel a bond.
I Know I still have my father in law and my dad, which I feel we have a great bond, and I know they would be there for me in a heart beat. In fact my father in law was there for me 6 months ago. I don't know why but I am just closer to the men in my life than the women.
Death is no fun. I hope this is it for a while.