How I want to be in my children's eyes

That is what went through my mind today in sacrament.
 It has just been one of those months where you wonder if there is a God, why doesn't he just stop the trials? Why does it seem like my prayers go unheard? Does he just not care about me.
Then I start to tell myself well Heidi maybe you have become so negative that he does answer your prayers, you just can't hear him, or see the blessings he is giving you because you are so gone!
I don't feel gone! But I do feel angry! I am not going to get into the details, I have learned from that, but I will say this. I didn't want to go to church today. The last thing I wanted was to see the women that tried to destroy my life. But I got up and went. I knew that today was fast and testimony meeting, and felt that I might want to get up. After the sacrament was over the thought crossed my mind again, but it wasn't until my son Josh(16) leaned over and said" Mom I have NEVER heard you bare your testimony!" I smiled and said yes you have. We sat there for a few more minutes,and my heart started racing, and thoughts turning in my head, and he leaned over again and teasing me said" I just prayed and received revelation that you were supposed to get up and bare your testimony." I didn't hesitate! I got up shaking and so sick to my stomach. What was I going to say? There was so much I could have said, but was it appropriate, probably not. As I walked up the stairs I looked at the Bishopric and blew out a big breath. I then stood at the pulpit for what felt like forever trying to contain myself enough so people could understand what I was saying. I said what came to mind and was shaking so bad I thought I was going to trip on my way back to my seat!!
It felt good! It had been years! I am glad that I took the challenge, and that I know my son heard me. That my kids heard me.
The best feeling was when I friend that I look up to a lot, said" That was the best testimony today, even if you wouldn't have said a word I felt your heart!"
I hope that my kids know how much I love them and that I am really trying to be a good example to all of them.